In the past five days, I've fucked my boyfriend four times, including one extended session that lasted hours and was one of the best we've ever had. We had guests visiting, or else there would have likely been a fifth and sixth time. This is a little above our normal pace, but not too much more.
If I haven't mentioned before, my boyfriend is a beautiful, mid-20s bottom, an artist with a perfect physique and a sharp-jawed face that made my mother blush the first time she met him, and I'm a late 20s top. We're both comfortable in those roles.
Sigh.
I still want more. It's not that I want more with him and he's not giving it to me. I just want things he can't provide. I want to smack around a fucktoy, I want to degrade him, I want to bareback and leave my cum deep inside. I want to have multiple men fighting for my cock. I want to feel the thrill of the chase. I want more.
Many people in long term relationships are able to do all of those things and still have a happy and healthy relationship. My boyfriend is not one of them. While some of the things are on the table (rough, kink, etc), others are likely permanently off (multiple other men, chasing boys), and the big one (barebacking) is a non-negotiable.
The thing is, I'm totally enough for Matt. He loves me, and sex with me, and doesn't feel like he's missing out on anything, even though he's the HIV- one-- presumably the one who did everything right. I'm the one who fucked up, and somehow I still want more?
We're entangling two issues here: the desire(need) to be riskier and the craving for being with other people. I realize that they're separate, and that one can be addressed within the context of the relationship, while one is a non-starter, save some medical breakthrough. But I can't help but think that they're related.
Maybe if I were negative, and I could seed Matt day in and day out, I wouldn't want to knock up every tight bodied 21 year old that winks at me on the street. Or maybe I would, but I wouldn't be as obsessed with it. Or maybe I've just got more sexual energy than I know how to channel. I jerk off at least twice daily, and still the switch is always on. I thought this would lessen as I got older, but it's getting more intense.
I don't think I'll cheat, not yet. I am HIV+ now largely thanks to a cheating partner, so you'll understand why I have serious moral problems with breaking that particular promise in nearly all situations. However, I don't know if that's the case long term.
Sometimes I think I'm just waiting until we're at a place in our lives where he has fewer exit options: when he's more reliant on me for money, or we're married, or have kids, or whatever. Then I think it would be easier to force his hand to accept me fucking other guys... but that's not something I want. I don't want him to have to be with me because leaving is unpalatable. But I can't escape the suspicion that I might be doing just that (however unconsciously), and I feel like a bastard for it.
Hello MF.
ReplyDeleteI've found you courtesy of the wonderful Mr Steed.
You are not overly wordy. While you may be impatient with the pace at which you've told your story so far, I find it both economical and rich. You have talent and skill writing, and I encourage you to find some trust in that. (Easier to admonish for others than to achieve oneself, I know.)
I wish I had any kind of worthwhile advice appropriate for your circumstances. Matt is still very young, and there is the possibility that the life he finds satisfying with you now may become more open, either because he wants more himself or he comes to understand and/or accept your need for it. I do think that sooner or later you will have to work out some accommodation for yourself, as I have never known a man who had a powerful drive for sexual novelty and variety who was able to set it aside without damage to himself, or indulge it clandestinely without damage to his partner and primary relationship.
As far as bareback sex between you and Matt, if you are consistently maintaining an undetectable viral load there is a very small risk of transmission through unprotected sex. Even that very small risk may be more than either of you are willing to take, but many years of accumulated experience seems to show it is remarkably safe. If he is willing to take that step with you, it may be enough of a change to relieve some of your frustration.
For whatever use my comments may be, please know you have my interest and sympathy, and every best wish for you - and for Matt - as you make your way.
Thanks for the comment, Red.
ReplyDeleteI agree that I too haven't seen relationships proceed happily when the sexual needs are potentially misaligned (however slightly).
And as for the undetectable thing -- we both understand the science behind it (me from my schooling, him from voracious reading), it's not something I think either of us would be comfortable with. The edge case is terrifying to us both, so now the small chance of infection is the thing that comforts us when we have a condom break-- something that's happened a few times, as we both like things somewhat rough.