Forgiveness

Something strange happened about two years ago. I was having dinner with a friend and the topic of my HIV gingerly came up. Even among friends who have known about this for years, we don't discuss it very much. It's awkward for them, and my sense is that they feel like they're intruding to ask questions.

I should interject to say that the topic of HIV is not un-awkward for me, hence this experience in anonymous ranting. My close friends and sexual partners know, but my family doesn't.  We'll talk more about that at a later point.

Back to our dinner. My friend asked me about John (they never knew each other) and if I ever hear from him, or what he's doing, how he's doing, etc. Then my friend said something strange -- he said that he would never want to meet John, because he (my friend) is afraid of how his anger would manifest itself.

Of course, I was touched.  The capacity to induce rage is a sign that someone truly cares about you.  

But I was also shocked to discover that I felt no anger for John at all.  I sat at the table trying to dig it up, to feel something awful and wretched about him. On an intellectual level, I realize that it wasn't all John's fault, but if fault is to be apportioned, the majority goes to him. Yet still, I can't make myself be angry with him.

I realized at that moment that I had forgiven him.

It wasn't some grand gesture, or a long soul-searching process, but with time I had let go of my anger, disappointment, sadness, and self-pity, and just forgiven him. It feels like one of the most remarkable, and unexpected things I think I've ever done.  Writing it down I'm flabbergasted that I have that capacity, but I feel comfortable telling you that I'm proud of myself for it.

This is the last time that I'll be discussing John as anything more than a passing reference, but I think it's helpful for me (and hopefully you) to show where I've come from in order to see where I'm going.